Funny anecdotes.

The son of mama for lunch:.
- Mamika, I must confess to you, I - GAY!.

it:.
- Type, X @ nd suck?.
- Yeah, Mamika.
- Then do not complain that I'm bad cook.


Mobile phone - as a pioneer tie, first proudly wear, then quietly hate.

The doctor, looking at the history of the disease, said her husband:.
- Your mother-in-law quite well. This is confirmed by all tests and x-rays.
- And is it possible, Doctor, that I was quite calm, do an autopsy?.

In a camp counselor helps children deal with their belongings.
And surprised to notice a boy with an umbrella.
- Why do you need an umbrella in the camp?.
- Tell me, have you ever had a mother?.

Father and son bought a Lada. A week went for a week was dead engine. Here are two of them sitting in the garage, turnips scratch. The father pulls out a book - a great description of the vehicle and its damage - repair.
- Here, my son, it is now - our Bible!.
- No, Dad, it is now - our Kama Sutra!.

My wife is on the edge of the curb, on the 8th floor balcony of a 16- storey building and said to her husband:.
- I do not want to live with such a womanizer, an alcoholic, and. Stop pushing me.


The class is a dictation. In the phrase ' blessed Prince Cinderella gift ' Little Johnny raises his hand.
- What is it, Little Johnny?.
- Is the word ' arch ' masculine?.

- How is your husband?.
- The second week does not dry out....
- And you did not try to stroke it, or at least hang?.

- Mom, it's on TV.
- This is my daughter, the birds are killed.
- But why?.
- In order not to hurt.

Thirty years and three years spent Ilya of Murom, the next on the stove. And then he cut off the Internet khalyavnyy.

The last stage ofigevaniya idleness at work - this is when you start reading spam.

Strict father lets his daughter to the movies with a guy:.
- To one and a half hours we were at home!.
guy:.
- Half an hour later? .

- Do you want to show the focus?.
- Educate yourself and then you will!.

- Hello, and you can track order? .

Maybe, who knows, what you can bring a pen?.
- And where did you put it?.

In the middle of the lake, the boat sits a man, fishes. Long sits will not bite....
- God, - a man prayed, - I went to you at least one big fish!.
Tiger shark pops up:.
- Well?.

Alex gives free concerts for children in Africa. Let children know that there are things more terrible than hunger.

The two go to a bar. One asks the other:.
- What are you going?.
- The same as you.
- The bartender and two beers, please.
- Then I, too, two.

Cvidanie, boy girl pours wine.
- No, no, I had enough, and then kicked the wrong thing.
- Give way?.
- No, apart.

My wife talks to her husband.
- They say you have a new secretary? .
- Twenty-.
- How does it work?.
- Nothing, I am satisfied.
- Beautiful?.
- Nice.
- And what is worn?.
- That dress is slowly.

Two African-American wake up with a terrible hangover (the case here in Russia, students Tipo exchange ). One of them said more or less on the Russian, the other not at all. ... ... Wrote the second shuffled to the stall, right, reads a piece of paper:.
- U vas pivo est?.
- No Limit.
(read more on a piece of paper ).
- Blyat, ya tak i znal.

- Ppofessop there in your dvepi is poor.
He asks to give anything.
- Hoposho, March, give him two puzzles for geometpii.

Laugh - shopu requires cleaning with a lack of expression, ...

Policeman stops on the road ...
- Why do you ride without a license plate?.
The driver gives him a Kramers hundred dollar bill:.
- Captain, do not get so nervous - the license plate written on this paper!.

Man complains his friend:.
- Hard to sell the flats - the parents are constantly at home!.

In the auto parts store:.
- Do you have spare parts for domestic cars?.
- What do you want?.
- Well... the nails on the 120....

At trial, the witness is questioned. Judge:.
- Witness, you say that the defendant had an hour before the murder of his own mother in law. Not if he made ​​the impression on you people insane?.
Witness:.
- Yes, like not normal was the guy....
Judge:.
- And how does it look?.
- The white of this, even on the lips of foam, a razor in his hand....
- Well, as you say.... So what does he then began to do something?.
- shaved.

I am already obpilsya tea, tobacco, stoned, three newspapers read by n * p * osaytam walked twice dined... and all of the working day does not end there!.

session. The examination of the history of.
A student with a big pull. (C1).
Professor ( R) asks:.
Who paid for the Japanese nuclear attack?.
(C1): United States.
All five.
A student with a slight pull. (C2).
(S): Who paid for the Japanese nuclear attack?.
(C2 ): U.S..
(S): What cities have been destroyed?.
(C2): Hiroshima, Nagasaki.
(S): How many were killed?.
(C2 ): 150-200 thousand Japanese.
All five.
The student does not cronyism. (C3).
(S): Who paid for the Japanese nuclear attack?.
(C3 ): U.S..
(S): What cities have been destroyed?.
(C3): Hiroshima, Nagasaki.
(S): How many were killed?.
(C3 ): 150-200 thousand Japanese.
(S): List the names of the dead!.

- I've got a new girlfriend!.
- Beautiful?.
- Not a word!.
- A terrible?.
- Here! .

Dear compatriots! .

- Why is the Red Square Red is called?.
- You know, Sergei, is a very ancient history. When in 1147 the first inhabitants of the then small....
- A shorter not?.
- That is why it is bl ** L called Red!.

- How is your husband?.
- The second week does not dry out....
- And you did not try to stroke it, or at least hang?.

Cafe, at the counter with a view to obscure the company of drunken youngsters hanging out.
Money to continue the banquet they clearly do not. And the mood, respectively, aggressively sociable. The saleswoman tells them:.
- Move away from the bar!.
In response:.
- You called someone a otstoykami??.

Humpback man meets a stutterer... Zaika asks:.
- C- c-c -c- c- Ssi -ga- Rhett -t- ki nne bb - buddha - em?.
- NN -N- cc - no smoke... - meets hunchback.
Zaika sees above him stebutsa and asks:.
- A century - and - a - p- rryu kzachke?.

- Vodka is going?.
- I can not....
- Well, have a drink....
- I can not throw up.......
- Who is there to throw up? .

Summer Evening. Pacific park. there is no one. The guy sitting on a bench with a very modest girl. It is, of course, afraid of everything. Then she said to him:.
- Can you imagine, when I was sitting like this with my last boyfriend and he told me that he wanted to kiss me, then I almost lost consciousness!.
Then dude starts to really laugh, already half formed - the tears from my eyes from laughing. She was puzzled by his laughter, asked him why he laughed so wild. He says:.
- I just imagined what would have happened to you, if you found out that I now have in mind!.


A female director of IT people rushes into the room, throws it on the table a pack of papers and says:.
- It is urgent to send an email.
Admin, not looking up from the company:.
- Do not get.
Director of the surprise:.
- This is why more?.
admin:.
- E- envelopes are over!.


The teacher tells the children:.
- Tell me who of you that like me, and I'll say what you will!.
Peter:.
- I like your haircut!.
- Well done, Peter, you will be a hairdresser.
Sasha:.
- I like your dress!.
- Good for you, Sasha, you become a fashion designer.
Masha:.
- I like your white teeth!.
- Oh, Masha, you have become a dentist. Little Johnny, but what are you silent? .
- Yes, Marivanova, I realized that I would either work at the creamery, or going to the gynecologist.


- Tell me, how many times you make love with his wife in a week?.
- Ten times.
- Wow, this is almost twice as much as your neighbor!.
- It's still my wife.


Husband and wife together for the first time in an expensive restaurant. Sit eat something. My husband is constantly looking around from side to side. And suddenly it is suitable for any pretty woman, and tenderly kissed him, whispering something in his ear. The wife is furious:.
- And who is that?!.
- Oh, be still, my dear, for God's sake! .


Student comes to school with a programmer am angry. His classmates ask:.
- Why are you so angry?.
- Yes, the program last night stuffing.
- And that does not work?.
- No, earned.
- Maybe the wrong work?.
- No, the correct.
- And what then?.
- Yes Backspace to sleep....


In the Parliament debated the new law of two articles:.
a. Thou shalt not kill.
2. Thou shalt not steal.
Deputies adopt amendments.


My wife is trying to stir up a drunken man on the performance of marital debt. He just logs. She goes to the balcony and cried in despair:.
- There is in this city at least one guy?.
A neighbor from above:.
- What is it? .


In the office comes bykovatogo fellow species with a strong chain around his neck. Fits to the guard down and asks:.
- Where the owner?.
guard:.
- Master's lost? .


Moishe comes to the rabbi, said:.
- I want divorce from his wife.
- Moishe, why do you want to get divorced, you would be the worse.
- No, I would be better.
- Listen, Moishe. Your wife is so beautiful, so pleasant, it is pleasing to the eye of any such dreams. Everyone knows her dignity, and you want her to quit, why?.
Moishe quietly removes her shoe and put it in front of a rabbi:.
- Rabbi, look for this shoe. Everyone sees how beautiful she is, would all like to have the shoe. But only I know how this shakes me you bastard!.


A teacher at the school invites children to come up with a proposal in which the word ' great ' * upotre lyaetsya double.
- Mary: ' Yesterday my father bought my mother a great dress that looked great mom '.
- Peter: ...
- Little Johnny: ...


Pinocchio crossword puzzles, Malvina, trying to draw attention to themselves, looking over his shoulder.
- Nice, well, how much you can say. Female sexual organ of the five letters - this is n * buildings, not hollow!.


Turner thoughtfully rubbing cloth wrench key. Chief approaches him and begins to ship:.
- Petrov, * la! .
- You know, I still key cloth wipe, while the machine is an iron brush cleaner, yet handles myltsem otmoyu as disguise. That's just the end of the day will come.
- No, Petrov! .
- A human you meet that? .


Good movies that there is 1.5 hours of screen time the heroes manage to not only meet, sleep, and disperse, but repeat the same thing with other characters. In real life this can be done only at corporate.


- What is the difference between a prostitute, a mistress and a wife?.
- ******* Etc and have zhoping first, then shopping. In contrast mistress: first, shopping, and then zhoping. And for the wife shopping associated zhopinga does not imply.

Slow down, a moment - you are persecuting!.

Nude wedding myself, I can still imagine, but nudist funerals!.

Jews arrive with the Arabs as it is not a Christian.


- Darling, you could change me with another woman?.
- Probably could if I wanted.
- It's great that you do not want!.
- Yes, I would want if I could.

- I'm afraid I have to sell a car.
- Why?.
- Every time I stop, a policeman approaches and asks if there are witnesses to the accident.


How to actually cast a horoscope:.
- Taras, who are you to sign?.
- Scorpio.
- So we can write. Next week, Scorpio must pay off debts, or they are waiting for big trouble.

Once you find your soul mate, begin to wander around the other half and make you doubt.

- Honey, I went to the doctor yesterday, he said that I had a baby. This is what I think: if I 'm going to a mechanic, I will have a car?.

- Imagine, he raped me, and I thought him a friend!.
- How did this happen?.
- How, how. We went to the sauna with him, then he invited me to drink, so I grew weak, I undressed and climbed into bed, and then he attacked me.
- You climbed naked into his bed and say that you were raped?.
- Well, because I relied on his integrity.


One man to another:.
- How do you think to stash zatyrit to his wife just could not find?.
- In the paper wrap.
- You what?? .
- In divorce papers, a pancake.

SAD. Life is waiting for 18. 00 hours and weekends.


I do not easily pass across the field cucumber,.
Here is the fruit of nature invented heartless!.


Dragon, do the wings, for you.
Murom filed with the. Yaga.


I wish you happiness, you're the perfect couple, in bed, wholesale logs log. Pierrot.